Yesterday, I met with the oncologist. My last ct scan showed spots in both lungs. They were concerned it is the breast cancer metastasized. They then did a pet scan. I was called and told the pet scan showed "no cancer" which was thrilling news. HOWEVER, the doctor told me yesterday this does not mean this is not the cancer. These spots would not be picked up by the pet scan to determine if they are cancer or not.

"Extremely concerned" are not words you want your doctor to use.

There are 4 things that can be an explanation...1) they had been there all along (scar tissue) and a better scan was done, which is unlikely since I have had several scans that did not show these spots. 2) There is a fungus in dirt can cause scaring in the lungs...very possible since we live on a dirt road and I am in the fields lots 3) a very slow growing cancer (it seems this would be a new cancer...at any time it could speed up and be deadly) 4) the reason for the "extreme concern" is that the breast cancer has spread and this is what he seems to think is why the spots are there.

In 6 weeks, we will retest to see if there is growth...if there is, then it is the breast cancer.

Honest prognosis at any time they find the cancer has metastasized (noting that there is no way to really know the exact time frame....also take note there are many kinds of breast cancer and we were discussing my cancer only...and there are always miracles)...but the prognosis - I will die. If I did no intervention, I would live about 6 months. If we find a chemo that I could tolerate (a hard task since I had such bad side effects), it would curb the rate of the deadly speed of my cancer and I could live about 2 years. Either way, there would be no way to "cure" it and I will die....intervention would just be deciding how quickly this would occur.

Even if it is not cancer at this time, I am still at a very high danger for it to return. Knowing time would be so limited, I need to make tough decisions now.

OUR NEEDS in this light....

1) Peter-John....He just turned 16 on Friday. If I am dying now...since he is not an adult, in order to care for his needs, it would be best to have someone adopt him. This could take time and since I don't know of anyone wanting to adopt him at this moment...this is a VERY frightening situation. He needs someone who 1) is a Christian 2) knows sign language and understands deaf culture and the needs of the deaf-blind 3) can deal with his extreme medical needs 4) can deal with all of his additional needs (lifting, equipment, therapies, Special Ed schooling, etc...and of course dealing with a teenage boy LOL) If I die and he is not adopted, he would be returned to the government system....even though I have appointed "guardians" to try to protect him, his needs would be huge and accessing help would be hard. This would be a sad situation...for him to be without me and to be lost in the red tape of government programs is far from ideal.....Even if I die after he becomes an adult, he will always need someone to live with him and to assist with his needs. It would kill his soul to be in a nursing home or group home, so I need to find someone who will "take" Peter-John when I die (if that is soon or much much later...I still need to find someone to take care of him).

2) The critters....Our animals are WELL LOVED. These are not "livestock" or just "animals"...these are ALL beloved pets. My heart aches at the thought of them going to a sale barn or animal shelter to be at the mercy of the highest bidder or adoptee...that has brought me to decide that we will need to find homes for ALL our critters (big horses, mini horses, mini donkeys, llamas, pygmy goats, chickens, cats, dogs and our bunny). I have never been without pets and this will be very very tough, but whenever I die it would be hard to have someone care for Peter-John and also find places for the animals quickly. It would also be very hard for Peter-John to loose me and then have his critters hauled off. I want our critters in loving homes, that is why tearfully I have made this decision. It will be hard to be without them, but better to know they are in happy loving homes being well spoiled. If you or anyone you know would like to buy some very very special animals, let me know which ones you are interested in getting. A few are free...but with the medical costs and wanting to pay things off quickly for Peter-John's future needs...we will be selling most of them and hopefully selling them for their true value. This is a bad time to sell and that is why I asking for everyone to help find them appropriate homes. Priority is given to homes that met each critters special needs; that would be homes who will allow Peter-John to possibly visit his critters in the future and/or who would send him pictures and updates on how they are; and to people who already know the critters, so the critters have an easier transition too. LOVING homes are a MUST!!!!!

3) The farm....our farm is not paid off yet (not a huge amount owed, but not free and clear either). This causes problems that could allow a foreclosure and Peter-John would loose his potential to have a secure home. There are huge complications with this. Therefore I am planning to sell the farm and get us an easy care house on the lake or we may move back to the Pacific Northwest. If you know anyone looking for a farm please put the word out (they say the Lord's timing is perfect....I pray that is true, because this is not the best time to sell farms or critters with winter coming and little or no hay available, so (you know me) I am trying to help the Lord out by letting people know :-) sooooo please pass this information around ....132 +/- acre farm, with a 1 and 1/2 story 90 year old 2 bedroom / 1 bath home (where the upstairs could be finished into more bedrooms) and with great building sites to put on a new home. This farm has "live water" that includes a 1 acre fishing lake +/- that is partially spring fed, 6 spring fed or partially spring fed ponds, 1 dug pond, one free flowing spring, a seasonal waterfall, and a year round creek. The land is fenced and cross fenced, with hay pastures, treed pastures and a small section of woods. The terrain varies from Ozark flat to mildly steep and there is a holler for winter protection of animals which also makes this one of the best hunting farms in the area. It has 8 outbuildings that include 3 barns, a 2 car detached garage, a 30 by 40 shop garage, a machine shed, a smoke house, and a huge chicken coop (that could be converted to a calving barn). Sunrise and sunset views that create a kaleidoscope of beauty that is ever changing. Stars and lightening shows cover the farm in beauty at night. I might sound like I love this place...I do! I had dreams of it housing my nativity display where people could come every Christmas to see it and then go on hay rides and sip apple cider made from our apple trees (there are berries and other fruit trees on the farm as well and great places for gardens). I had visions of a therapy riding program existing here. I had a dream for our garage to be Peter-John's NASCAR garage with all his racing items preserved and displayed. But alas.....So if you or if you know someone who has dreams for a place like this...please let them know about the farm. I will be meeting with the realtor to get it listed soon and can put them in touch with him if you want more information.

4) the need to have and unencumbered life with ways to function better (how ever long it is)....I want to sell lots of the stuff we have...all the farm stuff and lots of household stuff....so we can have a basically clutter free life and hopefully debt free life too. We need to get a twin bed Rialta for me to handle our needs as we go places (even daily places). Peter-John's transportation and physical needs would be easier to care for with this. Also we could maybe travel some...go to car races and visit people and places, if there is time. We need a home that is easy care - with a view of water (like a lake) to help with the stress of all of this (if I am critterless, I will need this).

The doctor told me to PLAN during this 6 weeks, because when we get the test results there won't be much time to do so....This makes me believe he is strongly thinking that I have little time left here on earth. Soooooo...I do need to move ahead as if the worst is happening. If by chance he is wrong and I have a long life still ahead of me, these life changes will make life easier for us anyway. A final concern is that recently Peter-John has been having seizure/breathing issues...the doctors have not found out why yet. The school nurse called 911 during one of these recent episodes because it was so bad....he was better by the time the ambulance came so he did not have to go to the hospital, but this is a big concern to find out why so that we can prevent these episodes that could be life threatening to him. Stress and fatigue can cause this or make it worse and I know the kiddo is having lots of stress from all this. I am working with the doctors about this health problem. I plan to keep Peter-John with me as long as I am breathing and he knows this, so that helps....and I will be doing all my normal "getting in your face" to "get what he needs" mama things. I am working with the doctors to try to get Peter-John stable again. This has complicated things even more....I really need the Lord to give me help with this. I am told the Lord never gives us more than we can handle...I keep telling Him...Ok I am there...at the all I can handle!

After leaving the doctor's office and watching people at the store, I had to wonder and feel I should let you know....

Such silly things do we do...wasted time with evil thoughts...angry moments....and idle times. Times we are concerned about trivial things....Who cares what we have for dinner tonight? (unless of course it is steak and lobster LOL)....we all need to use more energy giving love to one another. There are never enough sunsets in a life....but how many sunsets have we all missed that God put before us, just because we didn't look. I will look more closely now.

Today I will walk around my farm and say goodbye to my dreams. Today I will hug my critters and cry with them, asking God to find homes where they will be loved. Today I will kiss Peter-John and give him a hug that lasts a little longer than normal. Today I will tell the Lord and also tell YOU thank you for all you mean to me....I love ya all :-)

Pray for us and please help in any way you can to meet our needs that I mentioned.

Anne